We Goin’ Sizzler – Spring Break, Tardiness, Football, and Gucci

Welcome back, we are headed to week 2 and it doesn’t look like Covid will be interfering with this season, knock on wood. With so much uncertainty in the world we are definitely more appreciative of the things we have; whether it be family, friends, health, wealth, or flag football.

Division 5 had some surprise results this week and both sub divisions have been blown wide open, it’s anyone’s to take. let’s start by taking a look at the early season predictions from last week.

Division 5A:

As expected the RAVENS defeated STREETS AHEAD but surprisingly it was only by seven. QBs CHARLES WILLIAM TREMBLAY and JUSTIN SARLABOUS combined for nine throwing TDs in this highly offensive game. RAVENS sit at 2-0-0 and look like they will prey on Div 5A, STREETS AHEAD are 0-2-0 but look like they will hit their stride sooner than later.

Another expected result was BALLZ DEEP defeating BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB 32-12. In a clear mismatch, no one from BACKWOODS could stop RYAN DOBBS-GARNETT from exploding with 6 catches for 68 yards and 2 TDs. BACKWOODS did not fair better offensively with JUSTIN WEIR coming up with 3 INTs. All in all, BALLZ DEEP made easy work of this one and bounce back to 1-1-0. BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB drop to 1-1-0 and look to be headed in the wrong direction.

Now we get to the surprise results. I whole-heartedly expected LONGHORNS to be front runners this season, their experience and cap rating set them apart from the other teams. So, you could imagine my emotional damage when GOOFY GOOBERS shut them out 24-0! DAVE ALLEN continued his struggles; adding 4 INTs this week. The rest of the team did not fair any better with no clear offensive or defensive threats. GOOFY GOOBERS made easy work of their opportunities; with RUSSELL SCHWARTZ spreading the ball around to five different receivers, three different receivers for TDs, and KEVIN SMUDA adding a pick 6. GOOFY GOOBERS sit at 1-1-0 and will look to establish themselves in the coming weeks with some key matchups. LONGHORNS are 0-2-0 and this is what it must feel like when your child brings home an ugly date; so disappointing but you still have hope. They need a lifeline of sorts; unfortunately, their matchups just get more difficult going forwards.

Finally, I expected LOS BANDITOS to address their cap issues, take the week 1 forfeit and come out swinging week 2. That did not happen. LOS BANDITOS lost 64-6 to THE R.E.E.T! LOS BANDITOS QB FRANCIS DESROCHERS threw 5 INTs, 4 of which were back to back to back to back returns for pick 6s. Back up QB VINCENT BENJAMIN added another 2 INTs, 1 of which was also returned for a pick 6. That comes to 5 defensive TDs for THE R.E.E.T; MATHEW SIMARD (2), DAWSON PIERRE (2), and KEALI BARKER (1). THE R.E.E.T also found success on offense with SANTINO SPARAGNA and DANTE SPARAGNA combining for 2 TDS to culminate one of the most one sided games ever in FPF.

Division 5B:

Less emotional damage in Div 5B as we had no real surprise results but interesting score lines. The WARRIORS defeated TRAILER PARK BOYS by 6. With QB MITCH FERGENBAUM missing this contest, TRAILER PARK BOYS took a 14-0 lead at halftime before fill in QB DANIEL BENSOUSSAN led the WARRIORS back with 20 unanswered points. BENJI ZIEGLER led the scoring with 2 TDs and the WARRIORS shut down ANTOINE MEUNIER‘s running ability which translated to 2 INTs. Hopefully, Mitch is back next week and the WARRIORS can get some easier wins under their belt.

LE SPEAKEASY beat SAVE A HORSE 25-20, despite the score line, the game was never in doubt. LE SPEAKEASY QB MATHIEU OUIMET had a good day at the office; 15 for 23, 186 YDs, and 4 TDs, hitting four different receivers for TDs. The fact that SAVE A HORSE put up 20 points was a little surprising but QB KYLE DANIEL was able to shorten the field by running for 86 YDs and a TD. Maybe SAVE A HORSE can surprise us earlier than expected and get their second win week 3.

TWO PFIZERS AND FOT’S HALF JOHNSON demolished RED DRAGONS 54-12 as expected. This is the experienced and talented team we expected week 1, JOEY TAYLOR led the team on both sides of the field with 5 catches for 63 YDs and 2 TDs and 8TKLs and 1 INT on defense. QB DANNY MCFEE had a monster game throwing for 7 TDs. RED DRAGONS are still looking for their first win and although they have faced stiff competition, they need to address their defensive woes. Allowing 40+ points a game is not a recipe for success. Week 3 has them up against TEAM SEXY so it is anybody’s game.

THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT shutout SAN FRANCISCO 69ERS 12-0. SAN FRANCISCO 69ERS had 29 total offensive yards, off of only 2 completions. THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT did a little better with 94 offensive yards but they struggled for points with 3 INTs on the night. I am holding off judgement on the 1-1-0 THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT as we just haven’t seen enough from them. Going forward, they must improve if they want to be a playoff team.

Let’s get to the sizzle!

Jimmy Dix: DANNY MCFEE went 16 for 23 with 187 YDs, 7 TDs, 0 INTs as TWO PFIZERS AND FOT’S HALF JOHNSON demolished RED DRAGON 54-12. Focusing on three main receivers and adding 43 rushing YDs, DANNY showed that he is a multi threat QB. A big improvement from week 1, this experienced player but newish QB looks like the real deal.

Deacon Moss: In only his second FPF game, VINCENT PEDNEAULT caught 4 passes for 74 YDs with 3 TDs as RAVENS beat STREETS AHEAD 31-24. In a matchup that was closer than it should have been, VINCENT was the difference maker, getting that separation in the end zone to bring in the 3 TDs. A great addition to an already stacked team with minimal cap hit.

Brian ‘Smash’ Williams: OLIVIER CLAVEAU produced a rarity in FPF; 2 rushing TDs as THE MIGHTY 6 defeated VULTURES 2.0 34-12. He ran 3 times for 31 YDs which makes this feat even more impressive. It’s one thing to make someone miss and take the YACs to the house, but these were short yard situations just outside the red zone, very impressive.

Trumaine: JUSTIN WEIR managed to get all 3 INTs thrown in this game as BALLZ DEEP defeated BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB 32-12. A QB with good hands, man some people just have it all. The two-way performance was the winning factor in this one.

Steve Lattimer: NOAH GROPER had 4 SKs as METAVERSE blanked PINCELLOS 24-0. In a matchup billed to be 2 top dogs, the performance made the difference here. Not only the 4 SKs but the 2 offensive TDs, NOAH put this game to bed early.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: WUBBA LUBBA DUB WS 14-25 STEP BROS

STEP BROS are 2-0-0 and although they probably will not go undefeated, starting with two wins is a big plus in a league where most teams make the playoffs. Apart from the results, they have looked good, putting up some decent numbers. JÉRÉMY DESCHAMPS went 16 for 29 with 161 YDs, 4 TDs, 1 INT. He managed to spread the ball around to 7 different receivers and 3 receivers got into the end zone. REMI SANSCARTIER and MATHIEU AUBIN had 1 INT each and LAURENT SANSALONE added 1 SK. A solid performance by a solid team versus a solid opponent, just don’t lend STEP BROS your drum set.

The Bad: GHOSTS 39-13 DILFS

The DILFS might be popular with the ladies but they have not impressed so far this season. The team is 0-2-0 and have yet to play considerable competition. Moreover, they have not managed more than 2 TDs a game. This week they managed 13 points versus a good GHOSTS team but they only managed 5 completions for 84 YDs. Defensively, it seems that only JADEN FRENETTE was making tackles. They will be in tough this week versus a very good METAVERSE.

The Ugly: REPLACEMENTS 18-25 SAVE THE TURFTLES

This game saw FRANK TEOLI-COLATRELLA throw 3 INTs and the game was still in reach for the REPLACEMENTS. Their defense also needs work, allowing 4+ TDs per game. On the other side SAVE THE TURFTLES only managed 10 completions many of which were just QB SIMON I BACH throwing up jump balls and hoping for the best. Neither team managed to pressure the opposing QB with only 1 SK by HUGOLIN JODOIN-MICHAUD on the last play of the game. HUGOLIN even offered up his brother for an extra marital affair, even the trash talking was bad. Silver lining her is that both teams can turn things around going forward.

Spring Break and ‘House of Gucci’

When you’re young, you look forward to spring break, partying and drinking for 7 days straight. As you get older, spring break means sleep, couch and more sleep. One of the events for me this spring break was watching the highly talked about ‘House of Gucci’.

This tone-deaf film is completely out of its mind. House of Gucci makes for a wild, inconsistent and unapologetic over-the-top biographical crime drama that depicts the downfall of the Gucci family dynasty. The elite cast of actors decided to one-up each other with who could give the most absurd performance, the result was a movie with no direction.

Directed by Ridley Scott, this nightmare of a film was scarier than the two mouthed aliens from the 80s. At times the nonsensical nature of this film actually peaked my interest before I reminded myself that this was not intended as a comedy, Tommy Wiseau would be proud.

Overall, ‘House of Gucci’ is inarguably the “so bad it’s good” film of the year; too long and too slow, a train-wreck of a film featuring an A-list cast. The only positive I take away from this film is that after the wtf performances in ‘The Little Things’ and ‘House of Gucci’, JARED LETO has finally made people forget his performance as the Joker.

Teoli’s FPF Almanac 2021

On to the predictions for week 3.

BUFFALO WILD WINGS (0-1-1) vs VULTURES 2.0 (1-1-0)

VULTURES 2.0 should bounce back in this one. The team has struggled to get the ball to their top players. Even though BENJAMIN MCMAHON can’t throw in this division, just have him run the snap and see if anyone can stop him. BUFFALO WILD WINGS QB VINCENT GUILLETTE has thrown 7 INTs in two games, he will have to be more responsible with the ball to get the win here.

LONGHORNS (0-2-0) vs LOS BANDITOS (0-2-0)

Two teams that were predicted to be at the top of the table sit winless. Something’s got to give in this one and I have no idea what will happen here so, obviously I will call a tie. LOS BANDITOS might make a switch at QB here and give VINCENT BENJAMIN the game. Who ever gets the start here will absolutely have to protect the ball after last game saw the team throw 7 INTs. The LONGHORNS don’t have the luxury of a QB switch with DAVE ALLEN also putting up 7 INTs through two games but DAVE is too good not to bounce back in this one.

WUBBA LUBBA DUB WS (1-1-0*) vs PINCELLOS (0-1-1)

PINCELLOS are yet to win a game this season, that changes this week. Expect VINCE ‘RAY’ ROMANO to hit JOCELYN CALIXTE early and often, take the short yards and drive the ball down the field. WUBBA LUBBA DUB WS have left the chocolate factory and have a free win but have yet to impress. QB JARED BUCK just does not trust his receiving core yet and he cannot continue to throw everything but the kitchen sink to KEVIN ST-PIERRE.

RED DRAGONS (0-2-0) vs TEAM SEXY (1-1-0)

I’ll be the first to admit that I did not expect TEAM SEXY to adapt so quickly to flag football but after last week’s impressive win, it is difficult to bet against them here. The talent and athleticism was never in doubt and now that they have seemingly learned the game, look for BENJAMIN BERBRIER to continue to find SAM ANASTASOPOULOS with the long ball. RED DRAGONS, also new, just don’t have anyone other than SAMUEL CANTIN to keep up in this one.

SAVE THE TURFTLES (1-1-0) vs BINES (1-1-0)

BINES have two scrambling QBs in SIMON BOSQUET BEAUDOIN and DAVID MICHAUD and SAVE THE TURFTLES don’t have the defense to stop them. BINES can literally run on every second play and find success. Add the occasional throw to THOMAS PARENT and JEAN-SIMON THIBODEAU and you have a recipe for an easy win.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this rather late but riveting article on all things football and Gucci.

Until next week, Pain Heals. Chicks Dig Scars. Glory Lasts Forever.

Frank ‘Falco’ Teoli