We Goin’ Sizzler – Finally!

Finally, FPF has come back to us! It has been way too long and as we all felt the excitement of being back on the field, I’m sure some of us also felt the rust. As we shake off those cobwebs, we can all agree it is just great to be back playing again.

This weekly article will focus on Division 5, both A and B. You can expect a breakdown of the weekly results as well as predictions for the upcoming matches. As always, we will look at individual standouts. Moreover, you can expect lots of obscure 90s references. After all, this past Superbowl halftime show was the best of all time.

New features will include ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly’, a weekly feature which will look back at results in which one team was clearly better, clearly worse, or in all honesty, where both teams were clearly shit.

Finally, expect a few surprise features every now and then. I encourage you to make suggestions as well. Given the size of the big D5, it will be difficult to mention every team every week but I will try my best to get a rotation going. If you feel your team is being short changes, just wait and then wait longer. Nah, seriously, send me a message and I’ll get your guys in the next article.

Let’s get to the sizzle!

In this feature, we look at some individual accolades from week 1. We break down performances based on best QB, WR, RB, DB, and Rusher. Let’s see who hasn’t missed a step over the long time off.

Jimmy Dix: This accolade goes to the QB who best emulates Jimmy Dix, a former quarterback for the L.A. Stallions. A great QB before he was banned from the league on gambling charges and alleged drug abuse. He has gone on to be a big ambassador against drunk driving. This week’s Jimmy Dix is SIMON BLAIS from AIR FORCE 1 who went 15 for 18 with 215 YDs and 5 TDs. Simon led the way, tear dropping balls all over the field as AIR FORCE 1 defeated REPLACEMENTS 38-0.

Deacon Moss: Probably the best player in the Texas prison league, Deacon is literally the only deep threat on MEAN MACHINES. A tall, athletic receiver with ample speed and talent, just don’t play basketball against him. This week’s Deacon Moss is HENNESSY ORAYE from BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB. Sporting one of the coolest names in the league, Hennessy caught 5 of 6 targets for 118 YDs and 4 TDs as BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB beat STREETS AHEAD 31-23. Proving to be a big play player, Hennessy caught the winning TD on the last play of the game.

Brian ‘Smash’ Williams: No one can deny the pure talent of the cocky DILLON PANTERS RB. Smash Williams tore up the league before a knee injury slowed him down. A flop at TEXAS A&M, Brian is currently the manager at the ALAMO FREEZE. New comer CHARLES WILLIAM TREMBLAY is this week’s Smash, rushing 6 times for 113 YDs and 1 TD. CHARLES couldn’t get the W for STREETS AHEAD but he looks to have a bright future in FPF.

Trumaine: At DB, from Chicago, is the Central High School Wilcats’ Trumaine. Trumaine had all the raw talent and great hands, but didn’t take direction well and could be over-aggressive. By the way, it was NOT his uncle’s car. This week’s Trumaine is GABRIEL MOREAU-PAQUETTE from LOS BANDITOS. Gabriel had 6 TKLs and 2 INTs, one of which was returned for a pick 6 as LOS BANDITOS defeated WUBBA LUBBA DUB WS 41-26. Gabriel showed great hands adding 66 receiving yards and a TD on offense.

Steve Lattimer: From the program at the Eastern State University (ESU) Timberwolves, Steve Lattimer was a no non-sense defensive tackle. A little small for the position, Steve made up for it with extreme intensity and rushing right up the middle, just don’t follow his workout regiment. This week’s Steve Lattimer is TREMAYNE SALMON from VULTURES 2.0. Tremayne had 4 SKs and forced 2 INTs as VULTURES 2.0 narrowly defeated DILFS 18-12. In such a close game, the QB pressure definitely made the difference in this one.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Good: METAVERSE 25-24 GOOFY GOOBERS

METAVERSE start their campaign with a win. It might seem deceiving, given that they only won by one, but they were up against a stellar opponent. METAVERSE is led by QB JONATHAN PEREZ who had 4 TDs in this one. His 2 INTs were handled well by the defense who came right back with a pivotal INT of their own. The defense, however, seems to be in question after recording 0 PDs, 0 SKs and only 1 INT. I chalk this up to playing a great opponent and believe they will bounce back next week.

The Bad: LE SPEAKEASY 27-0 NOT MUSTANGS

LE SPEAKEASY start with an easy win and look great right? Wrong, they showed signs of weakness on both sides of the ball against a sub par NOT MUSTANGS (who doesn’t want to be a mustang?!). In a game that saw LE SPEAKEASY get 2 points off a 15 yard bad snap sack and safety, they simply did not put enough points on the board to impress. They had enough possession of the ball with NOT MUSTANGS having only 5 completions for 46 yards in the game, but they could only muster up 92 yards on offense. MATHIEU OUIMET will hope for better productivity moving forward if this team wants to contend for the ‘ship, let alone make the playoffs.

The Ugly: SAVE A HORSE 29-18 TEAM SEXY

Ironically, TEAM SEXY was anything but, showing up with short pockets (half the team had to leave) and non matching NFL and CFL jerseys. COOKERS did too, emails guys. Things did not fair better once the game started. It looked like both QBs were playing for the very first time, what’s that Cotton, they were? So, BENJAMIN BERBRIER was playing in his first FPF game, along with most of his teammates, and he didn’t do too bad, all things considered. Benjamin went 12 for 20, 130 YDs, 3 TDs and 1 INT. SAVE A HORSE QB KYLE DANIEL was also in his first season game after competing in the cup tournament 2021. He went 8 for 12 for 107 YDs, 4 TDs, 1 INT, again not bad. The issue is these stats will not hold up when both teams face stiffer opponents, look for both teams to be bottom dwellers come the end of the season.

BLACK HISTORY MONTH

As we celebrate Black History Month, let’s take a look at the top 10 black musical artists of all time. We are not going to get into who can listen to Jimi and who can hear Jimi, just a top 10.

10: Prince

You don’t have pop today without Prince. He became one of the most prolific pop singers of our time. Adding R&B, rock and even new-wave to the mix, it is clear to see why Prince and his plethora of songs make it into the top 10.

9: B.B. King

When I pick up my guitar I always have B.B. King in mind. Not only one of the greatest guitar players ever, King was also one of the most influential blues guitarists of all time. Many of today’s artists would not be here without B.B. King.

8: Marvin Gaye

If you young kids are ever trying to get lucky, just put on some Marvin Gaye. A great versatile voice with soul, producing great love songs but also tackled political issues. He did it all and his contributions to soul and R&B are ever present today.

7: Diana Ross

Whether as a soloist or with the Supremes, Diana Ross was perhaps the most accomplished singer of all time on the American pop charts. So many hits under her name, it is hard to listen to Diana without getting caught up for hours.

6: Ray Charles

Simply put, this man is a genius. You listen to his songs and hear the pure genius in which he constructed his music. He’s arguably the creator of soul music and was playing rock and roll before it even existed.

5: Stevie Wonder

They say ‘Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery’ and it is easy to see the different influences many of these artists had but Stevie was one of a kind. His talents included singing, playing instruments, songwriting, and producing. Add to the fact that he is blind and he is just that more remarkable.

4: Jimi Hendrix

Jimi is just a rock guitar god! People might debate it but in my opinion Jimi is the greatest guitarists ever. He took the blues and, with his creativity, invented a whole new way to rock and roll.

3: James Brown

You want to torture someone with a bad back or hip? Just put on some James Brown. It is impossible not to move to his music. He’s the ‘Godfather of Soul’ because he did so much as a prolific dancer, a renown singer, an innovator, an activist, and a bandleader.

2: Aretha Franklin

You hear about these labels ‘Queen of this’ and ‘Queen of that’, well Aretha is the ‘Queen of all of it’. Her voice was the voice of black America at a very important time in African-American history. Rooted in gospel, you can’t help feeling emotions as you hear her belting out her classics.

1: Michael Jackson

Was there ever a doubt? When it comes to making music accessible, no one did it better than Michael. It didn’t matter if you were young or old, male or female, black or white, everyone could appreciate Michael and his talent. Clearly, the King of Pop took music to another level, while making the greatest album of all time ‘Thriller’.

Teoli’s FPF Almanac 2021

STREETS AHEAD (0-1-0) vs RAVENS (1-0-0)

The RAVENS are led by throwing and catching duo MATHIEU HOULE and JOEL HOULE on offense and by ALEXI DUBOIS on defense. The RAVENS will dominate this game after struggling to find their rhythm last week. STREETS AHEAD are led by the experience of ALEX JOLTOPUF but the rest of the team is fairly new to FPF. CHARLES WILLIAM TREMBLAY proved he could run the ball last week but he will have to improve his throwing game. This team will have to go through a learning curve before seeing results.

BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB (1-0-0) vs BALLZ DEEP (0-1-0)

BACKWOODS FOOTBALL CLUB started their campaign with a win. They managed to put up 31 points as LIAM GILMORE and HENNESSY ORAYE directed the way offensively. Defensively, DARIUSZ CZECZUK and company failed to make an impact, allowing 23 points. In this WEST conference match-up, BALLZ DEEP will look to pick themselves up from last week’s loss. With the likes of JUSTIN WEIR and RYAN DOBBS-GARNETT, count on BALLZ DEEP to bounce back all over BACKWOODS face.

LONGHORNS (0-1-0) vs GOOFY GOOBERS (0-1-0)

The LONGHORNS seem to be mathematical geniuses, how else can you explain getting this much talent to fit under the cap. DAVE ALLEN, CHRIS ROSEN, and G.M. KOLETHRAS have a combined 1100 games played in FPF. Unfortunately DAVE ALLEN struggles with 3 INTs, 2 of which were returned for pick 6s, look for this experienced QB to redeem himself this week. The GOOFY GOOBERS also come off a loss which makes this an interesting SOUTH conference match-up. KEVIN SMUDA in the natural leader on this team but it remains to be seen whether or not RUSSELL SCHWARTZ and MIKEY SCHWARTZ can help this team get a W.

LOS BANDITOS (1-0-0) vs THE R.E.E.T (1-0-0)

If LOS BANDITOS can get their cap size issue resolved, this can be a great match-up between two really solid teams. LOS BANDITOS are stacked with talent and GABRIEL MOREAU-PAQUETTE led the way week one with a solid two-way performance. THE R.E.E.T possess more of a two headed attack plus company, with SANTINO and DANTE SPARAGNA leading the offense. If their defense can keep up, they will have a chance in this close battle. However, LOS BANDITOS come out with the narrow win.

WARRIORS (1-0-0) vs TRAILER PARK BOYS (1-0-0)

The WARRIORS are coming off an impressive win and look to be one of the best teams in the division. BENJI ZIEGLER leads this team into battle and if MITCH FERGENBAUM can stay consistent at QB and ADAM RABINOVITCH can lend a helping hand on defense, this team can go all the way. TRAILER PARK BOYS are also coming off a big win against a fellow mid table contender. However, once you shut down ANTOINE MEUNIER‘s running ability, the team just does not have the deep threats needed to compete nor the speed defensively.

SAVE A HORSE (1-0-0) vs LE SPEAKEASY (1-0-0)

SAVE A HORSE did do enough for the win week 1 but that will not be the case this week. They go up a much tougher opponent who will be looking to impress after a lackluster win in week 1. SAVE A HORSE will have to hope that KYLE JESSIMAN can get to the QB early and often to try and slow down the offense. LE SPEAKEASY will be counting on MATHIEU OUIMET to get into a rhythm early and rack up those throwing yards.

TWO PFIZERS AND FOT’S HALF JOHNSON (0-1-0) vs RED DRAGONS (0-1-0)

TWO PFIZERS AND FOT’S HALF JOHNSON (seriously you couldn’t come up with a shorter name?) start the season with a loss, very surprising for a team many picked to go all the way. They will bounce back big time at the expense of RED DRAGONS. JOEY TAYLOR will have a big day on both sides of the ball but really, anyone on this well balanced team can put up big numbers this week. On the other hand, RED DRAGONS (is that a ‘woke’ euphemism for a one eyed monster?) just don’t have the same depth to compete and look to be early bottom dwellers.

THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT (1-0-0) vs SAN FRANCISCO 69ERS (0-1-0)

THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT did start the season with a win but as Larry David would say, “ehh”. Luckily for them, they go up a much weaker opponent this week. SAN FRANCISCO 69ERS (real original guys) are all new comers to the league and it would be perfectly normal for them to go winless this season as they learn the game. NICOLAS FORTIN and RENAUD DELISLE did look good in their debuts but that defense needs work. Look for THREAT LEVEL MIDNIGHT‘s MATHIEU DUBOIS to have a big performance.

That’s it for week 1 folks. Be sure to join me weekly to get your Division 5 updates.

Until next week, Pain Heals. Chicks Dig Scars. Glory Lasts Forever.

Frank ‘Falco’ Teoli