The Goal Line Stand (Div D) – Week 13

I write this article from the inside of a van headed to Plattsburgh. Destination: Dick’s. The sporting goods store, not the male strip club – which I can only assume exists.

 

Why, you ask, would I and two other Lockdown members (and now an attractive hitchhiker) drive an hour-and-a-half both ways just to buy affordable football gear and apparel only to risk getting pulled over at customs on the way back to get pistol-whipped by trainees? Because we’re dedicated to the sport, that’s why.

 

That, and because as soon as we take the off-ramp into town, we’re automatically the best-looking guys there.

 

That’s what makes our league and this division extraordinary. If you’re reading this article and not a member of The Incredibles or Average Joes, then you’re creating a very special bond with about 7 other people. Division D has brought together people of great character and ethic. So let’s show the league Division D is the place where all the cool kids hang out. Make the trek out to Brossard in caravans. Bring your friends and upset grandparents who thought they were being brought to a duck pond. Don’t be afraid to wear red or white to show your support for either team. I’d even like to see some bristol board signs that say things like: “INCREDIBLES ARE INCREDIBLE,” “I TOLD MY GIRLFRIEND I WAS GOING TO CHURCH,” “WHO NEEDS CHRIS SMITH?” and “MARRY ME, ANDREW D’ANNA.”

 

And, finally, if you’ve enjoyed my article this past season, tune into the Roadshow for another healthy dose of me. It’s going to be posted on the FPF website two weeks after the taping.     

 

Weekly Recap

 

Incredibles Knock U.F.F. O.F.F.

I knew it was not going to be easy for the team in pink as I sat there Sunday night, watching players file into the Lachine complex, realizing UFF QB, Francois Raymond, was not going to be there. No team could be as successful without the aid of a teammate like that, let alone UFF who have made their reputation on team efforts and a balanced offense/defense rather than leaning on a few key players. To their credit, UFF was within one score at the end of the second half when a Greg Stern pass was bobbled by a UFF safety until it was finally secured by an Incredibles receiver. A fraction of an inch the other way, and we could have been in for a nail-biter.  

 

This isn’t to take away from the game The Incredibles had, however. They were the favorites going in to this game, Raymond or not. And they did not disappoint. A warning to Incredibles receivers, do not operate heavy machinery while in Greg Stern’s huddle. The guy was so cool and collected that it was making me drowsy. He landed four TDs to four different receivers, none of whom were Marco Bertoldi (shocking). Despite having 5 receptions, Jacob Peterson had his hands full with the UFF DBs who would not allow him to take more than a couple of steps before being bumped, rubbed, or otherwise bothered. A scary moment for The Incredibles had Peterson on the floor clutching his ankle after an offensive play, followed by him taking a moment on the sidelines to assess his own physical situation. The worries of the throngs of Incredibles fans were quelled, however, when Peterson punctually returned on defense and sacked the QB.

 

This young team is now 1 win from a championship.      

 

Giant Killers, Imposters

If the Maximum Carnage/Average Joes game were a newspaper article, the headline would read: Unstoppable Force Hits Immovable Object, 3 Dead. This game had everything: offense, defense, INTs, rushing TDs, a come from behind win, and a petting zoo. As expected, Jason Lachapelle ran for so many yards his cleats were nothing but a fine mist by the end of the game. In fact, one Maximum Carnage TD was earned on the ground; a play on which I could swear Lachapelle used a portkey like in Harry Potter to get around the swarm of defenders with and apparate in the end zone. The Giant Killers known as the Average Joes stuck to their game-plan and made good in-game adjustments. Omer Naek was replaced at rusher by Martin Gregory when the Joes realized they needed more size in Lachapelle’s field of vision; a move that paid dividends almost immediately. Tom Nikoletopoulos used the aforementioned Gregory extremely efficiently in the end zone, popping up balls and allowing the big man to do the work. It was all capped off when Ben Joseph intercepted a ball in his own end zone, promptly stopping Maximum Carnage’s comeback attempt.

 

But why are the Giant Killers imposters? Because they themselves are giants in their own right. The Average Joes’ roster is like the 13th floor of a hospital. You can put up a sign that says “14th Floor,” but everyone knows it isn’t. Clockwork took a lot of heat from the media and in general league gossip for having upper-division players, but no one has yet questioned the Average Joes’ roster. It boasts the likes of Ben Joseph, Anthony Da Ponte, Omer Naek, and Daron Basmadjian who have all spent time in 3rd division-equivalents (i.e. Division 3/C) and Tom Nikoletopoulos, Martin Gregory, and J.P. Mancini who have all spent time in 2nd division-equivalents (i.e. Division 2/B).

 

Who is the real underdog this Sunday?      

 

Interviews

 

Unfortunately there are no interviews this week because I simply couldn’t be bothered to do them. But I do encourage you to tune into this segment next week to see the blooper reel of the previous 13 weeks. I promise it’ll be short and sweet because blooper reels are just like football games in the sense that it’s quality over quantity. It’s not about scoring more points than your opponent. It’s about how well you celebrate afterwards. 

 

By The Numbers

 

Although most statistics are made up, you can count on these being genuine. You may find them boring, but at least consider the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of sex inches (W.I.E. Gates). Not so lackluster now, eh?

 

18: Number of points scored this time by the Average Joes more than the last time they played Maximum Carnage in week 1.

3: Number of INTs per game this week.

142: Lowest number of throwing yards this week, UFF. Average Joes had the most with 192.

82: Number of rushing yards by Jason Lachapelle. The next highest team had 17 yards.

26.76: QB rating points separating The Incredibles from the Average Joes so far this season.

1.79: Completion percentage points separating The Incredibles from the Average Joes so far this season.

 

Nope

 

Championship Game Break-Down

 

The Incredibles vs. Average Joes

 

Division D is lucky enough to be treated to a quality matchup this coming Sunday when The Incredibles will take on the Average Joes. The Incredibles (who are 8-1 when Greg Stern is in the lineup) take on the Average Joes (who are 7-2 when Tom Nikoletopoulos is in the lineup). Of note is that Stern’s only loss came at the hands of Nikoletopoulos and the Joes. This is a classic confrontation between two very different teams. The Incredibles have earned their way to a division championship after just two seasons in the league, whereas the Average Joes are a team of players who have been there, and done that. To counter the Joes’ size advantage, The Incredibles will have to make more efficient use of Andrew Funamoto’s height. Conversely, to smother the speed and agility of The Incredibles, Ben Joseph will be called upon to be strong down the middle. Get to Brossard early, folks. It’s going to be a barn-burner.  

 

Key matchups to watch:

 

Martin Gregory’s vertical leap vs. The Incredibles’ undersized secondary.

 

The Incredibles’ youth vs. the Average Joes experience.

 

The mystery of who will rush for the Average Joes vs. Greg Stern’s speed/height combination in evading that rush.

 

Ben Joseph’s “big play” ability vs. Jacob Peterson’s consistency.

 

 

My pick: The Incredibles

 

This is the last you’ll all hear of me until game day, so I’d like to offer one last piece of advice. To whoever might win the championship next week: if someone offers to hold your little trophy while you pee in the washrooms after the game, get an adult. Better yet, e-mail one at [email protected]. Because I’m sure I can find a way to make it part of the “By The Numbers” segment.